I like winning, I like sharing my opinion to other people, and I like arguments. It fires up all my neurons and the more they try to justify their beliefs, the more I pin them down with my come backs. I know I’m not the only one who does this; I know a bunch of people who would hurt someone else’s ego just to protect their pride. Sometimes I voice out too much of what’s on my mind that I forget to consider other people’s feelings.

But then I asked myself why I was doing it, why is it important for people like me to win in discussions? If there is something that I’ve learned about arguments, it’s that, it will never help any relationship. All of us have different opinions about what is right or wrong, and discussing it with another person will just waste both your time. You will end up repeating yourselves until someone finally gives up (which can take up a lifetime). If you really want to grow as a person, and voice out your opinion to someone, you shouldn’t try to find out which opinion makes more sense, instead, you should open up your mind and be ready to listen.

I guess the key to solving arguments is easier said than done, understanding. To set aside your pride and accepting the fact that everyone can make a point aside from you. And that the concept of “Right and Wrong” is merely fiction.

You make me feel something nobody has ever made me feel. Every time we are alone, you give me that desire to be very, very close to you. A friend told me that “WE” lacked sense of property, and I guess that is what you make me feel. You make me feel desired.

I had the opportunity to do something that I have always longed to do. Something I have anticipated, something I knew that would happen. But I didn’t do it. I got scared. The whole time we were together, I was thinking of the people that might get hurt. I refused.

How does a person do something so intimate without any assurance of seeing him again? How can you even get only an inch close to someone you do not share deep feelings for? I have always thought I can do it, it turns out my integrity is stronger that I thought.

Getting my heart broken (shattered is the more appropriate word, actually) really made me a better person. Of course, it was f*cking hard to go through all the crazy shit. But surprisingly, it gave me the motivation I have been waiting for a very long time. It made me realize how shitty I turned out to be, just because I thought I can make excuses for it. I was being too much of a drama queen, trying to make people feel sorry for me, but the truth is, there is nothing to be sorry about. I had so many people loving me, and I realized that I should count my blessings. I should be thankful that I still have my friends even though I am a mess. Of course, I am not trying to be a perfect, uptight person. I’m just messing up where I CAN mess up, you know, like fucking in the right places (you get me?).

It took a while for me to realize how my personality sucked. And I am still working on how I could be a better person. Not only for the people around me, but also for myself. I don’t want that constant heavy feeling on my chest anymore, it’s not helping me. I couldn’t even read my past posts anymore because it was too heavy, it was too sad. I don’t want that feeling anymore. This will be the first time I will be putting conscious effort to be mature, and whatever happens, I promise myself I will be positive about it.

P.S

We are back together :)

Do I love you? YES. Do I still want you back? No.

You don’t know how hard it is for me to resist taking care of you..

when you are so tired, physically, emotionally and mentally. you know you have to rest, but the moment you close your eyes you think about all your memories with each other. so you are there, crying and restless. you are weeping over someone who is totally fine without you.